Soap is not a condiment
i'd rather walk the sahara in a snuggie with no water than take a bicycle cab
You know, as long as there were ice cream breaks, I would totally eat chips for a living.
At a straight bar and poker face just came on...must...resist....urge to gay it up
Why would that come on at a straight bar? I thought they just played Don't Stop Believin and Wonderwall on repeat
Good idea. You gotta take care of your vagina. She takes care of you. Pay it forward.
let's just skip the pleasantries and go back to my place for pizza and casual sex
Honestly the war on drugs is dumb and you can just sleep in my bed which is mega comfortable anytime you want. There I said it
That point of drunk where you're in a bar bathroom and you're like "F*ck you bra! I'm not taking your sh*t anymore! and you take it off and throw it in a trashcan.
I don't know if you've ever seen a group of 20 year olds reenact a rectal prolapse, but 'majestic' isn't really the word I'd use...
Wine and a Lunchable. That would be depressing if it wasn't the pepperoni and mozzarella one. Those are the shit!
Yeah. I hurt his pride. But he's not over it. And by it I mean me.
The gate guard just said to me, "I almost didn't recognize you in uniform. Welcome back." I think I need to lay off the booze.
he just kept biting everyone and singing hilary duff songs. i can't even bring him to a gas station.
i hooked up with all four beatles on halloween get on my level
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
Randomize
