Hey I found your number in my phone i dont remember how we met this is richard btw
strange i dont have your number must have been a drunk thing
could be more
absolutely not
Last-second stop at the drug store for lube and condoms. Clerk said "So uhmmm...that's a done deal, huh?"
High five!
guess what. just found out I had mono. no wonder alcohol didn't taste good on nye
A cab driver remembered me by name, address, and ex fuck buddys nick name from a year ago. I mustve been one memorable shit show.
so when i dont talk to her she talks to herself...idk whats worse
he said I was the best sex he's ever had, handed me a burger king crown and told me to take my walk of shame with pride
there's no food at this bar, but i'm pretty sure vodka is made of wheat so i'm basically drinking bread.
i think i have weasels eating my brain. Also there is a skeleton staring at me from the back of the bathroom door. it's an awkward vomit. come find me please
Fucking that physical therapist guy was the best decision I ever made.
She was hammered and showed her gay best mate a pic of my cock, his response was "I fucked the wrong brother"
On a side note apparently my brother is gay
Just escaped from the ER. Meet me at the bar in 20 minutes.
i'll explain later but cookie monster is playing the xylophone
Thanks. I just smoked a bowl topless so I'm in heaven right now.
tell him if he brings over dinner you might let him see your left boob...or right, whichever you prefer. But under no circumstances do you let him see both...unless he brings a good desert...like coffee ice cream or something
I'm gonna make out with this 38 yr old. Mark my words. I don't even have daddy issues.
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