I'm drinking margaritas out of a soup mug, of course I'm going to get wasted
Dude. Hurry up. They just blessed the tequila.
My right boob is officially about a handful while my left is 1 and 3/4 handfuls. I'm staring at the mirror falling into a deep depression.
there is a strobe light in my taxi. in what way is this safe.
But seriously, I hug most of my drug dealers.
The cab driver gave me a church card yesterday and said I should reconnect with god.
Then he gave me 2 tickets to a movie he's going to be in
The last thing I remember was wearing a sombrero and trying to do cartwheels in the club
You did one successfully. Then smashed into the wall
Dude, you kicked in the door to get to a six-person orgy while yelling "I JUST WANT TO LEARN!!"
i just thought a plastic bag was my cat. i just pet a plastic bag. that high.
My Sundays are fucking awful. Can't get a blow job.....can't get a win.
I'm hoarding IKEA meatballs in my purse
Oh and it took quite a bit of doing, but I managed to wipe my butt with the hat you left in my car
My ex's new gf is pregnant and he is sterile, so 2016 is starting off well.
I would drive 12 hours round trip for you to have an orgasm, cause that's friendship
You squatted and peed on the living room floor while maintaining eye contact with Sebastian
Randomize
