If they ask for a stool sample we r no longer friends.
i kept drunkenly begging people i met to be in my facebook mafia
I just got cut off for correcting the bartender's grammar. I should have never accepted that fucking editors position.
Turns out they use me as an example of What Not To Do at freshman orientation. My little brother told me.
oh yea it is. i was not expecting to look at a snowbank and just see flying mushrooms
Yeah... I still gave her a hug because I felt really bad though. I mentioned that my boyfriends grandma just died too, just to reinforce that I'm straight afterwards.
At the drs she looked at my back saw your scratch marks and asked "does your back itch a lot?"
Blizzard, Hour 9: I'm 7 beers deep and have finished Ninja Turtles. I am listening to the NYPD and Nassau Fire Dept pipes and drums and writing new drum scores in my head, which I may or may not remember tomorrow
Hey I can officially say I made out with a drug lord.
You tried paying your tab with the coaster
we played his NES Classic. Turns out there is a warp zone to my vagina.
His boxer smelled like clean laundry while I was giving him head. It was delightful, like sucking a dick in a spring meadow.
Look I'm really hungover so let's try this again. In 5 mins you're gonna call me and tell me that you're on your way with xannies, iced coffee and a back rub
My ultimate hope is that people will hug me, smell me, and therefore think I'm classy.
Put down the Captain Crunch and get over here. It’s a dickfest!!
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