Woke up to 'distilleries' on the history channel. Proceded to vomit all over the floor. Back on the wagon today.
Not a single person will look me in the eye. Last night must've been bad.
All the girls at the party had American flag thongs on... Pretty impressed with coordination seeing as how impromptu this event was
I just realized how early it is, you're taking this booty call thing to a whole other level. also, there are altoids all over my room, that was weird
we can be functional adults and still think pizza lunchables are the shit
I never thought I would be having sex behind a shower curtain that wasn't in a bathroom.
You were crying in a drunken stupor for an hour because "the new daft punk album didn't blow your tits off"
Jailed a totally belligerent hot guy. That was probably my most thorough pat down. Ever.
I like the fact that you've for some reason taken my penis into protective custody
You asked me what the point was. Told me your were dying alone and then had me take you and Wendy's where you bought 3 meals and ate them in about 10 minutes saying you didn't care if you got fat...
He was peeing on the back wall of a building. He would have been okay if the building hadn't been a police station.
A guy just picked up ur brother and carfied him away singing and im slight concern
Alex I've come up with a new medical condition. dick depression. it's a real thing and I have it
I am at the car wash dressed as a turn of the century librarian
He ate me out for an eternity. Like fell asleep, woke up, and he was still doing it.
Randomize
