John tries to set me up, and she has 1 arm. I'm a nice guy, but 2 arms is kinda a requirement
Theres a baby at this concert double fisting pacifiers. shes gunna do great in college.
Just turned rock'em sock'em robots with my little cousin into a drinking game. Im drinking bourbon hes drinking hot chocolate.
Why hello there Olivia! How are you today on this fine and most wonderful morning full of magic and adventure and awesomeness?
Someone just got laid.
Sometimes I send them texts like "I want to make you cry and lick up your tears" just to fuck with them. And THAT is how you get rid of a Stage 5 clinger.
There were slices of bread pasted to the wall with peanut butter this morning. I don't want to know
It's like....nice talking about real estate but your son gave me herpes
I have the Everlasting Gobstopper of boners right now. It's kinda like a gift from god, but I don't want to spend anymore time with this girl than I have to.
I've thrown up twice at work. Just casually, in the mop sink. Then continued to make someone a milkshake. Want some ice cream?
An don't say it's "personal preference" cause I don't buy it. I just want to have normal cool guy balls. I don't want to be the dude that's still rocking the equivalent of the "mid 90's bowl cut" of scrotum haircuts.
So who was trying to make it rain last night in the bathroom? There are pieces of dollar bill everywhere
I wonder if the fact that I'm listening to the theme from lion king gives my neighbors the impression that im tripping faceeeee
He said we were over, wrote my name on the condom he left in my car last night and said he'd always keep it in case I came back. It was kind of romantic
I pulled you and a keg around in a wagon for like five hours and apparently everyone else remembers it but us.
I did a line off of, and then danced on top of a table older than this country.
Harvard is great.
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