Dude, I would hit that so hard that whoever could pull me out would become the king of England
Just burped. Tasted like beer and cherios...Beerios. This is gonna be quite a day.
Its official. 'Jingle Bell Rock' gives me a boner. Thank you Lindsay Lohan & Rachel McAdams.
And by "got a tattoo" i mean i got a tattoo in the dorm bathrooms with a guy using his cousin's tattoo gun.
Just faked two orgasms bc I had too much wine and remembered mid sex that I bought doritos yesterday.
Would it be weird if I told you I thought of you when I masturbated?
Looks like I'm more than just your Mexico mistake...
3pm strippers are depressing
Monday is now my bitch. I just did 20 naked push ups on the bar for $20
I am alternating between eating dry cheerios and mint chocolate chip ice cream with a fork. Please love me because no one else will
I'm not taking advice from anyone I've seen passed out naked at noon on the hood of a strangers car. Meaning you.
His 12 year old sister has bigger boobs than me and now that's all I can think about when we have sex
SOS YOU NEED TO TAKE THE CANDY PANTIES OUT OF THE GLOVE COMPARTMENT BEFORE MOM TAKES MY CAR
Is it bad I have to get shitty ass drunk on a Monday night because I can't adult?
Is there an "I fucked your brother" emoji?
Yah. Then he started clapping my boobs together in his hands and started shouting "the seas are angry!"
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