oh man. maybe i should puke on his dick? just to test how much he loves me?
It's confirmed I did eat a ping pong ball last night...
We'll talk about this tommorrow when I'm not mistaking my fingers for French fries....
I'm pretty sure I swallowed a whole condom
I told him if he cums in my mouth he has to buy me a cake that says "sorry I came in your mouth"
Your anal douche was on bathroom counter. Now it's in dumpster. Not ok. I am mad. Very mad.
That all sounds beautiful. All I have to offer is my shining personality, extensive amounts of space knowledge, and I hear I am pretty not sucky at sucking dick
Dude. Photoshop a Santa hat on your mug shot and send it as your Christmas cards.
He's drunk and I'm pain-killer high and we're about to watch fireworks at disney world. It's gonna be fucking magical
I just spilled a shot of Patron on your mom.. Body shots may be happening. You better get here quick.
The only thing that makes a night with half a bottle of cheap vodka is the other half of that bottle of cheap vodka.
I realize that my conversation topics seem to only be about bees and my cross dressing fiance. Thank you for being my friend.
so idk what that means but now because of me he has a police file as breaking into my apartment and sleeping in my hallway under the carpet
got cock blocked by the cops again. two of the cops were the same ones from that t bell incident and they recognized me... they still dont like me
I'm just letting you know right now in advance that if I die or go to the hospital or end up in jail tonight it's because your kid sold me mushrooms.
Randomize
