party was madd awkward.. it was like every person who i sat next to in high school and never said hi to was there
Woke up in 100% not my clothes this morning. Third time this month. Fuck. Tequila.
my friend asked What a UTI was in front of everyone, letts just say his girlfriend was a lil pissed
i just woke up to 15 people singing a whole new world
He practically bottle-fed me Jameson, like I was a baby chimpanzee on those nature specials.
random question: do you know anywhere in the tri-state that has elephant racing? this is a work related question.
I mean it's not my fault he had a floor mat that read "put out or get out". What was I supposed to do?
He stopped replying so I told him I got tested and it came back positive for chlamydia to see if he replied. His phone magically works again!
It's embarrassing enough people in my life are aware of the ridiculous things that happen to me. I don't think we need to get the whole world involved.
I only got lap dances from the ugliest strippers, i couldnt stop myself from laughing the entire time.
HELP! How do I get paint off the dog?
The dog just shocked himself by peeing on Christmas lights, should I have saw that coming?
I am texting my fuck buddy about fucking tonight, while facebook chatting with his wife about food.
hopefully I won't be diving through a thorn bush to escape an explosion this time
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Randomize
