he kept looking at my chin until i asked why, then he just said he was making sure his balls didnt leave a mark.
what's for breakfast?
Advil and throwup
worst night to have a conscience
long story short: there's a file in the master file cabinet labeled "lube".
I figured out plans for New Year's and by figuring out I mean I've got a sugar bowl of cocaine. Start at 10?
You went to jail last night?!
Just a little bit.
I'm getting turned down for sex. Apparently my "sexual appetite" cannot be satiated even by a man who's such a deviant he went to prison for jerking off in his car.
On a scale of zero to "unmitigated disaster," how drunk is he?
I almost had to fight a bird, and you know how scared I am of birds. It found that Percocet that I lost in the grass last week, I threw out my back when I launched myself at that little fucker.
just had sex in my dorm hall public bathroom while wearing my favorite cat sweater. tonight was a win
I just asked him what would happen if my boobs fought crime. I think I'm cut off.
How do I figure out the name of this sleeping naked guy in my bed?
I have an empty apartment, Chinese food, and fresh batteries in my vibrator. There's nothing on this earth that could lure me out tonight.
I looked into her soul, didn't I?
You eye-fucked her soul.
I had perfectly good intentions but my penis had other ideas and now I need a place to crash what do you say
Randomize
