She's like the female version of the Momento guy. She keeps forgetting that I'm an asshole after we have sex.
The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
I skipped class, don't know why though bc all I did in the meantime was cook pancakes and watch infomercials..my life sucks
no, i'm not a lesbian.. i just really want to fuck you while drinking, thats normal in a friendship.
I think I've hugged the toilet more times than I've hugged my own family members.
We are taking shots for every green Lon-Capa box we get for the homework.
So last week was the 4th time a girl cried after sex. I'm seriously doing something wrong
What's the kids name that was drinking stale beer and redbull out of the blender?
We convinced the Dj to let us play musical chairs...... I won by the way.
He walked door to door asking if anyone needed to get laid. Surprisingly, that ended his drought
You should imdb "mourning wood" to see what I'm doing with my $80,000 English degree today
Day 1 of the Fuck Your Ex weekend has been productive. Already boned Steph and we're both still glad we arnt together anymore.
You asked the bartender if she was trying to get you drunk. She cut you off after that.
Let's be real. I'm the Usain Bolt of running away after hookups. Fastest (wo)man alive.
I just found a samari sword in the couch. I'm about to take like 5 shots and pretend to be captain jack sparrow
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