my professor just told me i smelt like a brewery infront of my whole class b4 my final presentation
The Lord gave Farrah Fawcett 1 wish when she died. She wished that all children in the world would be safe! The Lord granted her wish and killed Michael Jackson.
So much for the toy store...Not a butt plug in the entire place. See you tonight.
I have 11 glasses of water and one beer on the table infront of me. Have to keep going to different bartends to get more. There are only two though and I think they've caught on
He spent most of his night trying to convince people that he had changed and was no longer a sleazebag...he had his nut hanging out of his pants about an hour later.
I have the money I owe you for auctioning off your black thongs. Best 30 bucks ever spent
Between my vibrator and my iPhone carpal tunnel is inevitable.
Idk. Last year there was an ice luge, glow in the dark jungle juice, and lots of naked people. I feel like I'll get pregnant just thinking about going to that party.
I got eye-fucked by an 80 year old man wearing a cowboy hat while I was singing country. How do you think karaoke went?
Most adult booty call ever. Ha. We got down to business and still got to watch the colbert report.
Well, you know sobriety isn't something I like to do on the reg.
its not that I hate him, it's just that I wish his penis was attached to someone i like more
The only rule I'm making for myself tonight is to not drink out of the sink at the bar.
... and this time i WILL NOT make out with anyone dressed as batman.
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
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