the chick doesn't look like she's put anything in her mouth for weeks other than his dick.
Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
she needs to learn to take compliments like she takes dicks.
I want to see you in more than a weed delivering capacity
Aaaaand I just watched him face plant in front of the taxi. This is why we don't invite him to margarita night.
well I think it'll pretty much be gone by Saturday. On a scale of 1- Snooki's unborn child how much do periods freak you out?
I got us chalkboard mugs. Now whoever comes home with us can feel comfortable in the morning! I am too considerate to my one-night stands...
I woke up on karas dogs bed. Lets evaluate our lives.
Here's a tip. Don't party with someone that needs sexual attention. Drinking and sexual attention don't mesh well in the morning. Especially over a bowl of Cheerios.
Apparently when it was last call I jumped up on the bar and told everyone to get the fuck out, which was immediately followed by a round of applause from the bouncers/bartenders and my tab getting paid as well.
My dad just said "fuck circus"
So pro tip. do not order drugs from india and then assume you know your tolerance level.
I'm talking to this guy I met online about French toast. I am the oddest fucking combination of hungry and horny. Wtf brain.
I feel a blackout coming on
Plz don't have me burst into your house saying you're late for re airport to rescue you from a fat girl again
That was 2 times
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