how ive managed to spend 100$ at an open bar is beyond me.
tiger just fucked it up for all of us...she grabbed my phone this morning and started asking questions.
i definitely just woke up with half of a cigarette tucked underneath my balls. Last night must have been interesting
He's spent his last 3 years working at Urban Outfitters. No, I'm not sad I missed out on a life of mustaches, the dollar menu and shitty scarves.
Well, a cop just pulled up. This could go either way.
What the fuck am I going to do with a pinata full of tampons?
My brother just woke up to see me on te couch dipping hamburger buns into pizza sauce. I'm beginning to question the life choices that led to this moment.
As much of a hooker as I am you don't slam where you drink
You are the human incarnation of a drinking problem
Do you own a cuff key and know where Karen lives?
There should be a guide book that probation officers hand out on "how to tell a tinder girl about your ankle monitor before she notices it at the worst possible moment"
We both shit in the same closet in Santa Fe. Nothing is sacred anymore.
I was legit late to work one day Bc it took me so long to get a good nude
He stopped eating me out to remind me to look at the stars
Just went to Meijer. Purchased furnace filters, fishing line, red lipstick and pregnancy test. And if my purchase alone wasn't classy enough, I took the pregnancy test in the Meijer bathroom because Im on my way to the bar and wanted to know if that was a good idea or not. Cheers to no babies!
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