Going to a jewelry store high is not a good idea. I look like mr.t's wife.
How did you steal an entire pie?
I don't know. It's in my purse.
I have a ginormous moral hangover. Strip club blues.
Instead of centeral air we are getting a margaritaville machine. Thought you would enjoy our logic
Sorry for walking in on you guys last night. FYI I have a bruise on my forehead from having the door slammed in my face. I deserved it.
It's been two days. My balls feel like watermelons.
I am never taking advice from you again. The high heels in the shower were a bad idea. I orgasmed and almost drowned.
Ladies, we have an appointment at David's Bridal aurora this coming Sunday at 3pm. And an appointment at where ever tequila is served at noon.
Yeah... I still gave her a hug because I felt really bad though. I mentioned that my boyfriends grandma just died too, just to reinforce that I'm straight afterwards.
How do you leave a condom wrapper under my mom's pillow...
This may not be the best moment to laugh, but I am.
We broke into the kitchen, stole cooking aprons, and wore them on the dance floor.
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
So the same great-aunt that told me to freeze my eggs for procreation just told me that I should strut around the dance floor b/c I'd get picked up.
I need to meet your family.
Will you come get your son? He's using an old bike pump to help him fart the national anthem...
My Dachshund waddled into the room carrying a rolled-up pad in her mouth with period blood. This day is clearly off to a good start.
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