On friday while at the hotel bar by myself (creepy) I made friends w/ a millionaire who said he may be running for the position of mayor in richmond va (likely a lie). At one point during our discourse he asked if I was crazy. In the effort of full disclosure I looked him in the eye and said yes
I don't know what prompted his inquiry, clearly this man had impeccable intuition
It was the single greastest thing to happen to my dick ever
My boogers are black from last night. So that's either from all the colored hairspray or inhaling all of the tragedy from the party...
i just checked to make sure valentines day this year was on a weekend assuming ill want to be drunk all day
hearing about your life makes me feel so good about mine
ever seen your mom drunk enough to lick your face? i have
i crunched every chip from the dorito bag and poured it in the vase. never again will i have to deal with cool ranch fingers.
We were hooking up and you crawled into bed with us, because you had lost your phone and didn't "want to be alone at a time like this."
Sorry I didn't text you for coffee this morning...bad life decision Saturday sorta rolled into Monday...
Can we talk about the fact that I plucked weed off your ass this morning like it's a normal thing to do?
Just walked into McDonald's and a bunch of fat girls gave me a look like I just entered their territory.
Eye surgery went well. Just can't believe it took getting lasers through my eyes to temporarily stop the vivid sex dreams I was having
Just stared at a tree for a solid 5 minutes because I thought a German Shepard was perched on a limb.
We got really stoned and then we fucked. Then he made me a panini.
Oooh, he sounds pretty classy
Actually, not at all. We were stoned so he made me a peanut butter panini. With a Rollo in the middle of it. And he left the panini press on all night. I could have died.
Pretty much just farted directly in a baby's mouth on the subway
Dude, Kevin called the cops on the cops.
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