he wouldn't shut up and let me sleep
yeah i got into a fight with my man last night
why can't men just shut up and put out?
so I was thinking like, Rob Pattinson could make so much money whoring himself out dressed as Edward Cullen.
yeah, I mean if he's down to fuck a lot of fat chicks and stare at Tiger Beat posters of himself above the bed...
I'll have to explain it to you tonight when i call drunk. It will sound better
Wtf. I just got invited to a threeway bj session in the bathroom at boiler. Lmao
I'm not leaving bed today. And i guess my drunken ass last night hit my roommate in the face with a tiki torch then proceeded to cry while carrying around a picture of he who must not being name. I'm a piece of work.
Why did you send me 12 pictures in a row of your expressionless face at 2:30 am?
No sex in the champagne room. The champagne room being my life
The judge mental looks i am getting while looking at porn on my phone sitting in the urgent care waiting room is gonna get way worse when they find out im here to see if im pregnant
You were outside cuddling a rock singing Bohemian Rhapsody.
It's George Washington's Birthday. Can you not put on some red white and blue and get really drunk for the original Merican??
I literally wonder, frequently, "Will anyone ever fuck me until i go cross eyed for 2 hours again?''
The sorting hat of life was not kind to you.....
Another thing to add to the list of things not to do while I'm drunk......explain to the upstairs neighborr how to have quiet orgasams......she now thinks I want to be part of a threesome......fuck my life
Dude there's ten thousand dollars worth of damage to the kids house and three thousand in stolen property and his dog is missing he is pissed
If I give him back his dog do you think he'll invite me to the next party
The work outs are working. Someone just said my body type was “Tits On A Stick”.
Randomize
