I just made a steamroller out of a christmas ornament. I feel so festive.
I just remembered I opened the taxi door when I was at a red light last night and puked. And then when I was done I closed the door and told him he may proceed with caution.
Sometimes one must go to great lengths and make great sacrifices to get drunk. I willingly accept the challenge.
FYI I'm about to upload a vid of you to facebook of you screaming "SNACK ATTACK" and throwing cheetos at everyone playing pong...
... Already stepped in vomit and got a dirty look from a fat in a neck brace
Also, the drinking age in Japan is 20. At what point in the sky am I allowed to start downing alcohol?
I guess I really am the only person in this world who can successfully have a no-strings-attached threesome on the beach.
Strike three, the fat brides maid they call shit puker also has herpes.
Rule number one to being a good adult: don't use your vagina as an icebreaker. Just some wisdom I thought I'd pass down from experience.
BTW the amount of schmoozing I am doing towards some guy for an ID that may or may not look like you... You better love me.
I totally left my shirt at your house. Also I think I high fived your cactus last night
I just forgot I was standing up.
Casually blacked out last night and apparently told him he couldn't come back to bed until he got me Taco Bell.
we played his NES Classic. Turns out there is a warp zone to my vagina.
How does one take the "you're the best sex I've ever had but I'm marrying someone that's sub-par in the sack" mind fuck?
I pity the fool.
Thanks Mr T.
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