one word: firstdatebathroomanal
all he gave me for my birthday was sperm
at least its a homemade gift
Brickbreaker makes my post drinking poops that much better. Sorry, I had to tell someone who might agree.
does it bother you that i swallowed like millions of your unborn children
actually, i try not to think about it
and i pooped them out
I found my old addy guy via fb who clearly understands the supply and demand curve of addy during finals so he's gonna hook me up.
He just bought a 100-pack of condoms of Amazon. My vagina is already tired.
I just woke up with streamers wrapped around me. Glitter in my hair. My fish are swimming in empty bottles of Barcardi. Helpppp
So, just in case you go to the bathroom in the middle of the night.. Sam is asleep in the first stall.
Back of his car in the Starbucks parking lot WITH HIS APRON STILL ON. Check and Mate.
Holy shit. You won barista bingo AND the Triple Crown in one day.
HOLD ONTO YOUR PANTIES AND SAY GOODBYE TO THE REMAINDER OF YOUR INTEGRITY
It's cosmic balancing. My vagina is an instrument of karmic retribution.
Dude. I've been high for so many hours now that I'm just accepting this as my new reality.
I'm drinking coffee out of a pasta sauce jar and eating fruit soaked in Smirnoff. I think I've hit rock bottom.
But you put your finger in my ass and the rest is history
I can't. I mean he's hot, but there's really nothing else there
You just said he's hot
NO YOU DON'T UNDERSTAND
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