im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
Dude, we totally smoked up inside a church organ last night. Add this to the epic list.
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
well.. I tried flushing my sandals down the toilet
he fucked me so hard i could feel my pelvis shifting. like i legit feel more prepared for childirth now
I feel like the way you told me you weren't pregnant was pretty anticlimactic.
GO AHEAD, BITCH, GLARE AT MY WAFFLE ONE MORE TIME. I WILL FUCK YOU UP.
I almost just texted "I'm lonely" to my gynecologist.
You asked me if I was judging you for being drunk, and if I can hypnotize you make sober.
Oh my god did you actually lose a tooth
Pregnancy test = positive. Hope you still have our old guess who game 'cause daddy elimination begins now.
I'm hoping you were seen by someone holding a frozen turkey at 230 in the morning
just saw the most amazing side boob. i wanted to hold it.
You know that thing where you wouldn't typically eat ass but you're in love with him so you want to eat his ass, because it's HIS ass
I'm just happy stripping was the reason you fractured your hand
Randomize
