from now on when you get up to pee in the middle of the night, check to see if im sleeping in your parking lot.
i do.
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
Then you ran outside and said you were gonna give the snowman a blowjob
what the fuck is a social media consultant, who does she consult for, and how bad is she at it? her facebook account is currently hacked and posting ads for the ipad 2 on my newsfeed
You can identity the picture as me the mistress his wife and him. It's that kinda awkard.
I'm sports announcer narrating myself making a sandwich. Your weed wins.
Classic dick move. Breaking up your buddies 3-some by coming into his room and doing the Harlem Shake.
The only difference between us and a pack of 14 year old girls is substance abuse
No, it's cool, I just bounced from the hospital. I was...talking to a security guard, maybe?
Dude, you kicked in the door to get to a six-person orgy while yelling "I JUST WANT TO LEARN!!"
It's beautiful and huge. Like a dinosaur.
It's your last night of vacation right? Be the Oprah of dick. And you get a dick... and you get a dick, and you get a dick!!!
It’s easy for me to be professional, the tough part is finding the perfect amount of bitchy undertone
How early is too early to start day drinking? Asking for a friend
About five minutes ago. You’re good now.
He really is. Owns his own house and has more than one towel!
Randomize
