you were so high you spent the rest of the night smelling pepper to prove you can sneeze with your eyes open
Im already sauced. Have been for hours. Its kinda my thing.
Oh I forgot to tell you one of the little boys in my preschool class was wearing a Hooters tank top today.
I drew a venn diagram at the top of my final comparing stuff i know and stuff on the test.
She refused to give me a hand job while we were watching a war movie saying she didn't wanna disrespect the soldiers
She thinks she's a fairy, dude. A real fucking fairy with wings and shit.
But on the up side she uprooted a whole peony plant from the hotel downtown and said, "I brought you flowers"
The cop was more concerned with the syringes on the dash board than looking for the source of the smoke. Thank god for diabetes!
you're avoiding the subject, i want to know how you ended up at the strip club with the dog, fucker
Well if homeless lesbian experimenting divorcée is your new M.O., you're gonna need to start drinking more anyway so if that's what it takes to talk about it tomorrow afternoon, bottoms up bitch
You should just skip the small talk from now on and instead say something like "You need to come slay the dragon, be here in 15?"
I was trying to remember why my knees hurt then I remembered I was twerking on the countertops.
Let's play the game let's see how long Kayla can be sober
You gotta have 1 orgasm for me and the rest can be for you. I'm living vicariously through you 😂
I just drunkenly signed my mortgage application...
Is this how the global financial crisis happened?
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