I hate your face
you made your cat watch a peta video with you, so you could show it how just how good its life is
Its midnight, he's burning water on the stove and keeps yelling at me and telling me not to burn myself.
im just going to wait until i dont feel like the grim reaper is having sex with me
Listen, it's not like I meant to bust the window out. It just sort of happened. And I'm also sorry for stealing your dads bandanas.
You may see me wearing your shirt to class. It's because I still have the spins and I'm anticipating throwing up on it. Asshole.
Just got outta the drunk tank! Happy 21st birthday!
I was kind of torn between "Wow, this is awkward," and "Wow, my therapist is hung."
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
We just stood outside and debated the existence of mermaids for about 20 min. Is this what too drunk is?
just had sex in the back of my high school auditorium #dreamcumtrue
How'd your date go last night?
Well I blacked out at 1:30 and woke up naked in not-my-date's bed with an uneaten Jimmy John's sandwich.
somehow I wound up on the floor crying about his beard. then telling everyone I'd give him a "lesbian blowjob".
If you find out what that means, show me.
just had sex in a stairwell with six feet five inches worth of drama
I need to stop using "I went to the Harry Potter theme park" as my pickup line.
Randomize