Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
...so i touched it.
my head feels like I tried to put alcohol out of business last night
Sometimes I stick my finger in my own ass and pretend it’s a vagina. I think it’s kinda weird. What do you think?
just passed out while on hold to see if i left my debit card at the bar last night.
They better compete for your attention. Dual to the fuck
Haha...we lost by one cup to a guy w shitty facial hair. What makes me most mad abt the loss is that I could grow a better beard on my vag.
On a side note the mornings you do so much Xanax that you wake up totally at one with the universe and feel invincible are great
Based on my body hair location, my ancestors had very cold hamstrings and very warm chests
Would it be playing god to put spaghetti on my pizza?
This couple is walking their pig around campus
Hooked up with another cop last night. Think I am renaming my vagina "dispatch"
She left a cookie cake on my porch, and the frosting reads "I'm sorry". She left me an I'm-sorry-for-punching-you-in-the-face cake.
Went to waffle house after dropping my sister off at school and got into a heated argument with a drunk/hungover philosophy professor I will not name. I won the argument.
I HATE BEING THIS HIGH FML IT'S LIKE I'M MAKING UP FOR ALL THE 4:20S I DIDNT DO ALL AT ONCE
Randomize
