Michelle found a bong in the garbage and sold it to my mom
is it bad that I only want to go to my boyfriends house bc I want to see his roomate walk around with his shirt off?
He offered me a ride home but i walked. He lives by an elementary school so a 10 yr old safety officer helped me across the street during my walk of shame
Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.
I like the odds of his and my children being professional athletes too. To support me in my old age, see I do think about the future.
WE'RE FINALLY ADMITTING THAT WE DESPERATELY WANT TO SCREW EACH OTHER. THIS IS WHAT PROGRESS FEELS
The alcohol just runs so smoothly thru my veins.
I'm closer to stabbing a fork in my neck than finishing this resume.
Sloppy and selfish. Your 27 and you don't know where my clit is? BYEEE
currently googling "apology gifts for when you poop on their floor"
I'm so jealous of your sex life. You know it's awesome when thinking about the sex you had last night brings you tears of joy.
How about this: I support you through your miserable marriage, and you support me through all my anonymous sex?
How my distance relationship is going: he's trying to sext me & I'm stuffing pizza in my face.
Fuck you i've put so many pretzels in her shirt
I should've negotiated that before I sat on his face.
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