my room smells like sperm. sweet.
He doesn't need a wingman, he needs a miracle
the problem with open bar is i never know what to get
did you really just start a sentence with "the problem with open bar is..."
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
lesson learned: don't narrate out loud about how a girl is giving you head while she's doing it
The toilet started ringing, I think I just found your phone.
Yeah I'm gunna date him. I figure its regular sex and maybe feelings will come in time...it worked for arranged marriages...
At the end of the night you handed the bartender a piece of paper with the word "VISA" written on it.
who has that picture of us looking like alcoholics at the zoo?
I pulled my bra out of my dress and handed it to my mom..at cocktail hour during the wedding.
You told her to step on the scale because you had whiskey goggles, and scales don't lie.
Don't judge them too harshly for getting kicked out of a strip club. Happens to the best of us.
You are the coolest girlfriend ever.
Reached a new low last night. Passed out. With my pants down. On the toilet. At ihop. Waitress had to wake me up.
dude, i just found out morgan freeman loves weed. all my moms arguments are now irrelevant
I know it's 10:30am but Finding Dory starts in an hour, and I have four points of molly. You down?
Randomize
