I feel like our bond as friends is a lot stronger now that I've talked to you on the phone while having sex.
Happy hour is for amateurs. Been drunk since 1230. Fell asleep in a disney viewing of UP. Went to the roosevelt and drank more. Now im stumbling around the grove.
god, a vagina is an amazing trump card
I don't even know what he looks like, all i've seen of him is his dick
the rest of him looks just as crooked
dude you apologized to her after she called you stupid. you were like "no i'm sorry, you shouldn't have to be around stupid people, it's my fault"
Someone is gonna learn how to start an IV in the morning
There is literally a guy in my class with a gallon of water and a trophy.
He is gay. There is no bi when you have a manhunt AND you are an art major. That's like a unicorn without a horn, it just isn't possible.
Beautiful fucking linguistics Shakespeare, but youre still not doing that to my face
I could go for watching some naked price is right. Looks like a good time to me.
She left you responsible for her guinea pig for what, 3 hours? And it somehow died under your care? I will no longer trust you with so much as a beer.
I didn't want to leave, I wanted to move into his ass
Don't worry about it too much, but I just committed us to possibly raising a kid
She’s super into those renaissance faires. But, if you can’t actually stab anyone, what’s the point?
I just washed down my antidepressant with some pineapple wine. I'm the picture of mental health this holiday season
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