i am officially better prepared for a hangover tomorrow than i was for christmas.
Fairly certain I called dibs on your lesbian virginity last night
Yeah I just gotta do it so that my major doesn't find out. Doesn't look good having a stripper teach your 3rd grader
I'm at home, drinking with my cat. While this is an enjoyable lifestyle, other plans are preferable.
I can't tell if the dead thing in the yard is a deer or the guy I slept with last night...
Basically, I'm sure one day I'll look back on this part of my life and be ashamed....
Sorry about waking up naked in your bed this morning.
You forgot the part where I played Slip and Slide with my own puke and fucked up my knee.
Just saw a man in a motorized chair roll by drinking a beer. It's 9:45 AM. I love Louisiana.
This morning he fucked me while I was brushing my teeth. So I kept brushing as he thrusted. Then I brushed his teeth with my toothbrush while he was still in me. So hygienic.
Although now I have "number of cheese slices" as a unit of boob measurement in my head.
You dove at him but passed out mid dive. Shame it wasnt a costume party your superman suit wouldve been clutch in the situation
He got punched in the face last night? By who? I’ll invite him to our formal. Seriously.
I just watched an old episode of Daria while eating brownies to cure day drunkness. Clearly I'm winning at adulting today.
Should I rub the neighbors amazon package in the dog shit they left on the front steps?
Randomize
