i'm saving my butt for my wedding night
Just walked by a yard full of girls wearing bikinis. I did my best to stare.
I had sex on an exercise ball. The inevitable has occurred.
You just kept saying "they don't make cigarettes for squirrels. Yet."
I feel like my teeth are sweating.
if by "adventure" you actually mean "getting ridiculously high and shaving our legs," then yes.
BEST FEELING EVER: Standing in a hot fucking shower, while super baked, while eating a cookie.
You eat cookies in the shower?
I want to lick his teeth again. Is that a creepy thing to say?
well at least now you can say you got an STD from the frontman of a band no one's heard of
fuck you.
Oh my god. We just got locked out of our cabin and went to the neighbor's to see if they had a key and caught the neighbor jerking it. My night > your night
This text constitutes a formal request for sexual congress under the terms of our Relationship Agreement.
Watching the series finale of Friends and crying in my Thai food. I don't like hangover Jared.
Do you remember when I didn't post that pic of you fucking an avocado on your boss' desk? Can you return the favour?
There is a guy down by the river wearing a zebra print speedo and a sombrero, with a beer in each hand, screaming "This is America bitches!"
Should I bring my 4 pairs of bunny ears? Or is that too weird?
4 pairs might be a bit much
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