just heard the best thing ever: calling people's kids "fuck trophies"
Fuck, operation next sex victim is on as soon as i get back. Do not sleep with that red head, nobody likes accidental ginger babies.
If you're ever in Seattle we should Fuck. Or get coffee, whatever.
Bank of America texted me 7 times in 12 hours to say my balance was below $50. I kept transfering money back in. Then I texted my bank saying that it was okay, i knew what I was doing.
He tried to cuddle with me after we hooked up and i just looked at him and said why are you still here?
I woke up spooning my guard tube. Tell me I'm not the most dedicated lifeguard ever
quick, send me a pic of a fat chick eating ice cream in a bikini. no joke, no questions, just do it.
But today feels so special with katie getting herpes and me cleaning my room. Good things are happening.
You kept challenging people to a cartwheel contest...when someone finally agreed, you cartwheeled into some chicks face, then tried to propose to her as an apology. Fyi, she said no
i'll probably be on drugs forewarning
forewarning i'll probably have done those drugs with you
He said "I can't wait for you to feel me inside of you so I can tell you gently that you're mine" and left me a 4 minute voice mail of him crying after I told him I didn't want to be with him. 30 year olds are off limits.
Conversations we need to have while high 1) how mermaids reproduce 2) if blind people hallucinate what do they see 3) reincarnation
If you hear a loud thud and smell ozone, I may have been electrocuted.
listen i get youre a daddy dom but that doesnt give you a pass to make dad jokes
He asked me to fly out to Seattle to participate in a week of marathon sex so I'm at the airport now. I'll call you when I get back.
Randomize
