We can make salsa ya know, maybe even some hot sauce. That doesn't mean we're married.
half the nation just spent an hour watching a balloon fly around. we are officially the dumbest fucking country.
I woke up in the penthouse and did lines off the to of the fireplace. This is not real.
I have no idea what happened last night, but you're the only person I remember smashing my face into. Be honored.
He's engaged. If the world's smallest penis can find true love than I can too.
and his room smelled like strippers, childrens tears, and fear
i swear, as soon as they invent a cure for herpes, he's mine.
I'm not saying I'm drunk, but I'm definitely saying my liver has its work cut out for it.
Super awkward that I just now realized I added no verb to the first statement about super hero porn. We were watching it, not making it. Clarity.
In other news: I massively over-caffeinated this morning. Everything is vibrating and I can SEE THROUGH TIME
I'm glad you don't care about kids. That's one of your better qualities.
Sorry I crashed a riding mower into your garage door. No hard feelings??
Tell me why i have 60 matches in 72 hours on tinder. Can i sell my tinder account like people used to sell their myspace pages and tumblrs when they had a lot of followers? Is that a thing?
I DIDN'T WATCH THE PILLSBURY DOUGH BOY PORN!!!!
we're gonna read the declaration of independence and do a shot for every word he doesn't understand.
Randomize
