So I just almost came on my own face I had to dodge it as it was flying by...that was a first
i scrubbed and i scrubbed and i scrubbed and i still was a whore
Put a customer on hold today while I threw up. If I don't get employee of the month, I'm suing.
I lost track of him after he threw the handful of pennies at the 2 female cops and ran into the darkness. I heard a tazer and a scream. All that is left is his flip flop. Its like hes drunken man-derella.
I'm cuddling with a baby pig and drinking champagne right now.
accidentally stumbled into a construction site at 3am on the way home. The bulldozer was locked so we had to settle for rerouting traffic with all the orange cones...
Are the homeless actually allowed to bathe in fountains located on Main Street in downtown Houston? Can Houston TX be so progressive as to condone public bathing?
I'm sitting on our balcony drunk. And in my underwear. Our relationship with our neighbors may improve.
Idk I somehow continue to get laid by pulling my dick out and reciting the 3 world country orphan kid commercials
Is it weird that I Facebook creep hot people from their credit card receipts?
Being single for so long makes me fucking creepy.
Mike showed up naked and in handcuffs. Again. Feel free to come over and laugh because I'm not helping this time.
Had a dream I went to Disney to visit you and then I got really drunk and puked all over these little kids in line
I gave myself a charlie horse masturbating this morning. I feel like that really set the tone for the day.
I told him to not try to hang out with me ever again and now I regret it Bc im bleeding through my uterus and just want him to suck on my aching nipples
I can't decide which is the most disgusting: emily having sex on the stairwell of a frat, michelle shaving her vagina with a razor she found in a frat bathroom, or me getting fingered on the dance floor by some rando. opinions?
Randomize
