My bed smells like naked
Haha. At least it doesn't smell like herpes
youll never guess who i didnt fuck at that party
Shark Week may as well be Shark Weed.
$1.99 mimosas n bloodys til 3. Happy hour starts at 4. We're gonna ride the mechanical bull to kill the hour inbetween.
Please take video.
once I found out that a naked stripper wasn't gonna pop out of the cake I kind of just lost interest in the party
I swear after i took it all i did was scream for four hours
She set an alarm on my phone for her birthday. Place: Her bed.
I feel like everytime I call him he's either fucking or getting into trouble. It's really disturbing that he presses the answer button and then proceeds to fuck her harder.
all i could think about while he was eating me out was how pretty his eyelashes were
The guy at the door just stared only at my boobs and said "I'm gonna let you in." 'Merica
I don't want sex or anything I just really need someone to appreciate how shiny my hair is
It can't be Friday yet, in still getting friend requests of people I don't remember from last weekend
so this maintenance guy stood at the corner of my cubical and scratched his balls for like a full minute cause he thought no one could see him
I got a lap dance last night from a girl while I was wearing a Captian America onsie. My life does not suck.
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
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