my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
bitch asked me if i cared if she kept her snuggie on while we had sex
I'm gonna stay in bed all day and watch porn in an attempt to stay warm.
If this herpes test comes back negative I'm asking out the doctor.
They better compete for your attention. Dual to the fuck
As I type I'm climbing my cousins swingset so I can take a nap inside the slide. Fuck this hangover. I always win.
I'll be so proud. Like a proud mama bear freeing my slut cub into the wild.
I may or may not have traded your body to the rodeo's owner for free beer.
I'm gonna give him birthday punches. On the dick. With my mouth.
He's trying to marry me, when is the appropriate time to tell him my real name and that Dallas is a completely fictitious slutty alter ego? I need the advice of someone with morals.
Sneaking the vodka in was the easy part.. listening to medley of puking in the porta pottys was not
we're like the harlem globetrotters of underage drinking
See I insist I'm not a groupie and then I say things like "will bang for a backstage pass".
HOLY FUCK i just remembered we had bows and arrows and firecrackers last night
and flaming arrows and vodka
how did we not set your garage on fire
No reason. My tongue went numb after one shot. I may die tonight
Randomize
