i should go to a nude beach and wear just a condom, then ill have tan lines on my dick
You told me you were pretty sure you were god because you knew everything about everyone.
hahahahaha your sister just walked down from the guest house with a stain on the front of her shirt and "owned" written in blue sharpie on her forehead. i dont think she knows what happened last night either.
just had an encounter with drunk people from out of state at dairy queen. they wanted to stay till march to see the high school play.
I'm not a pervert.. I just like to be naked...
Shaking her cervix like it's the hottest ticket around
Wish i knew who the f is sending me pics of asian newborns.
Blew a line and having a jolly rancher... the day is looking up.
No, she isn't nearly as crazy as the girl who wanted to wear a vial of my semen as a necklace.
This is the point in ur life where u should realize there's nothing left but a spiral of shame
I should but I don't. All I see is an escalator of success
Drunken snow shoveling. Visiting my family is starting to become a seriously risky venture.
We were simultaneously boning chicks 3 feet away from each other. Do you realize how much that upped our 15 year friendship?
Your not drunk until you have to grab on to the grass to keep from falling off the earth.
im bringing home some absinth and some holy water. one way or another things are going to get spiritual.
He sang the chorus to “Inside of you” by Russel Brand in Forgetting Sarah Marshall as he proceeded to not pull out...
Honestly? I wouldn’t even be mad, that probably took talent
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