Your brother just informed me that half a mouthful is a unit of measurement. I love talking to members of your family.
I slept face down in the dirt because I wanted to go camping?
I don't care. I'll text you about my butthole whenever I please. That's what you signed up for in this relationship.
He wore nothing but a Speedo and a tie to the party. It was great. Everyone was looking at him like "this kid's the best"
i spilled a box of white cheddar cheezits on the bathroom floor about 2 days ago. when i went back to the house he yelled at me from the bathroom: "THANKS FOR THE CHEEZITS, I'll ALWAYS HAVE A SNACK FOR WHEN IM SHITTING NOW!"
I just want you to know that I think it is hilarious and wonderful that 40s are now your alcohol of choice.
getting busted for public urination is like, a step above j-walking. you'll be fine
I woke up to a quacking alarm clock and a rando in my bed. I told him I liked his cargo shorts. Fireball is not my soulmate anymore.
my throat is bruised, my back is scarred, my vagina feels like it's going to fall off.. you're like godzilla. you destroy everything.
Thanks for reminding me of all the hookups my brain has been trying to suppress...
That's what friends are foooooooor!
Oh my God it's like my cock was dipped in lava
well tomorrow I get to eat fungus and go to an abandoned city.
most people would fear that statement, but i wish to join you
I opened the bathroom door and the starting point gaurd was eating out my art history professor
I am the image of restraint, it's why im just hungover and not in the hospital
BRB. These cougars are squabbling over my junk and one of them is offering to pay my tuition
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