I'm in that stage of denial where I hope our kids have his nose.
You do realize that you broke up with him, right?
Imagine if sharks could walk on land...scary.
I wish I was that guy from the miller light commercials so I could walk into parties and take peoples beer without getting yelled at
Got 6 blowjobs in one weekend... new personal best.
She's the only one so far who hasn't laughed at me naked.... I'm gonna marry her.
i would think by now you'd realize that my penis does whatever the fuck it wants and i have no control over the situation
The stripper told me she had been working there for eight years, then got mad when I asked if she was trying to make it into mangment. Awkwardest lap dance
So apparently after he gets hammered, falls down a set of stairs and gets a concussion, he can still come home and find a way to play his guitar solo bullshit as loud as possible while i seduce my date...
And I'm PMSing. So if I'm not crying, I'm masturbating.
Every time I there's a break up, I'm left with an animal. That's it. No more mutual pets.
Holding a cold bottle of mikes hard lemonade against my pulverized taint....this is my Sunday night
And I also succeeded in getting kicked out of a bar when I was drinking straight from the vodka bottle at our table.
If I got everything I wanted in the world, I would have been forcing soup down your throat hours ago
Im so glad I make morally wrong decisions. It's like the best worst thing I've ever done.
yeah, I woke up with nacho cheese crusted all over my face and head...a lone jalapeno still stuck in my ear...you win this round drunk nachos....
Randomize
