Assholes at mcdonalds drive through wouldn't serve us last night even though we said we were on small motorcycles that were to small for them to see and weren't heavy enough for the sensors. We made noises and everything.
I think its a sure sign I need to get laid when every cloud in the sky looks like a penis.
I am dripping wet and slathered in glitter and banana mush. I love gay guys.
our night together was a product of my beer goggles and jennifer aniston-like desperation.
Just witnessed a circumcision at clinical. i suddenly feel a sense of reconciliation over every guy who's done me dirty...
The Angel on my shoulder is now resorting to merely reminding me that, "You will regret this later." I'm not sure if he's learning how I think or just giving up. Either way, should make life a bit more interesting.
He is really drunk but I just found $20 so it's like I am getting paid to babysit
Thanks for putting up with my drunk friend last night. Its all fun and games till someone pukes macaroni under your fridge.
She put a shot in my mouth and then hit me with a pillow..
Your boobs stole my birthday thunder!
He texted me "sup", so I sent him that gif of the surprised guy and apparently it offended him
I'm armed with nothing but $4 lip gloss gum and my phone. Ready to take on the fucking world.
I'm not totally useless... You can use me as an example of what not to do
Hypothetically speaking...if I was arrested in Wisconsin, say Kenosha county, would you post my bail all the way from Oregon? If yes, will you also accept my collect call in t-minus 13 hours?
Of course his biggest mistake was assuming that I ever gave a fuck to begin with.
Randomize
