God. I'm so broke I don't even have a dollar to snort my adderall through.
So then I told him that only a restaurant managed by a florida fan could run out of ketchup
She accidentally pre-ordered us Dominos for the next day at 11:30am... we were very confused when we woke up.
I don't know if it's the amount i drank last night or the number of taylor swift statuses on facebook but i feel like puking everywhere
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
Dude, she's the greatest salesman alive. she convinced chelsea to buy a box of Cheerios for $20. She can find your dick some willing pussy.
I'm having mini little movies in my head. Like for example. You were talking to a blue whale with jazz man sunglasses, but not the ray charles jazz sunglass. More like sunglasses that are round. Anyway, he has a baguette and stupid french hat. And you , you had your harry potter glasses.
The worst decision I made last night was allowing myself to be duct taped to the ceiling
I'm 50% weirded out and 50% into it
I give you full permission to seriously injure me the next time I think it's a good idea to face a bottle of vodka
I'm spending tomorrow doing taxes and making jello shots. Is this adulthood?
I was so horny last night, I failed to let him know about my current bed bug infestation.
No? The only contact I've had with him for months was when I drunk texted him from Costa Rica to say that all jazz sounds the same
test was negative. but nancy drew has yet to solve the case of the missing period.
Note to self: NEVER have sex with anyone who is experiencing explosive diarrhea.
I've never been so happy to be celibate.
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