I can't tonight. I'm still nursing a beach sex injury. Don't wanna talk about it.
When i light up a cigarette people look at of like i'm going to pee on their children.
Princesses don't give blow jobs
i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room
Karaoke into a bottle of boones. dear summer in alabama, glad to see you again.
He asked me to grab his balls and yell "thats a spicy meat-a-ball" Last time I do requests.
I always have trouble explaining my life decisions to people over the age of 30.
I climbed out of the shower to him sitting on the floor trimming his pubes with nail clippers, we both just started laughing at how drunk we were
I don't have any plans for New Year's except watching anime and drinking until I can't read the subtitles anymore.
your were asleep with people making out on top of you. you didn't even look bothered by it.
I didn't tell that thing I wasn't coming over. Whoops
You know you haven't dated in a while when you call boys "that thing" and call dates "a boy type thing."
Doug the spinning teacher gave me chlyamdia
Nah, i wasn't offended. Having a bridesmaid who you had had multiple threesomes with your future husband would be weird.
Even after hearing me fuck his friend twice in one night, he still follows me around like a puppy.
You have thirteen minutes to get here if you want to get back together. Otherwise I'm getting digits from the waitress.
Randomize
