when a 14 year old is judging you, you know you've had too much to drink
There is no way that a naked man in your kitchen can be explained-away as a "misunderstanding."
He came in 20 minutes late for his final wearing plastic bags on his feet, and a tablecloth cape. Explain.
Are you sure you didn't shit in my back yard?
Thanks to you and Ketel One I now have a court summons with the actual word "frolicking" on it.
Does the room smell any better?
Yeah, i sprayed perfume. It smells like Victoria's Secret, if Victoria's secret was that she was homeless.
Is it considered a bad morning to find your boss half naked in the parking lot of work at 7am?
That depends, how hot is your boss?
I made out with a guy so that I could get ahead in the bathroom line, totally acceptable
Apparently I offered the cop my Taco Bell.
Desperate times...
wtf why is there glitter all over my dog
I traded some nice guy at the bar ten bucks and a pack of cigarettes for his leather jacket. I'm pretty sure I win at life. Whoever is in my phone as Tyler Durden, I thank you.
There is a wine bar at this airport that it is currently full of mid-40s women reading their Kindles. I'm attracted to all of them.
It's 11 A.M.
You know what, I think I will
i had to call him over, it was my last chance at getting some tonight
HE HAS A RESTRAINING ORDER AGAINST U!!!
it expires tomorrow
Never make a coconut bikini from a real coconut.
I smell like old thai food.
I asked him if we could have sex sometime and he sent me a three page long text about his feelings for me. that's the only possible situation I've ever run into where a "k" response would have been more appropriate.
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