Eric got herpes from Jo-ann
That's what he deserves for hooking up with a french canadian
It smells like Drakkar Noir and desperation out here.
That's why you should quit smoking.
this girl with a french braid down the center of her head won't stop talking about the benefits of the free market. i'm hungover, bloated and haven't slept for 4 days. shut up french braid girl, shut up.
I listened to the last 10 minutes of that 20 minute voicemail, it's solid gold. At one point he literally suggests we buy tasers and go around shooting people.
Just watered mom's plants with leftover mixed drinks full of Bacardi Silver. I'm such a good daughter.
She bit a glowstick open. Apparently they burn. We bonded while she washed the chemicals out of her mouth as I did double shots of Jager.
When we were done making out, some guy ran into the room yelling, "I'll save you Brandon! I'll save you!"
Finals week...the biggest cock block since your brother threatened me with a beer bottle at the bar.
Her dog trainer Fuck buddy is over here again. She sounds like a squeaky toy and he talks to her like he talks to the dog. I CAN HEAR EVERYTHING!!!
Because I know nothing is hotter than ocean themed dick pics on SnapChat...
I just blacked back in and I'm at a kids birthday party in a suit and people are calling me uncle Carl. Never having your homemade liquor again.
I've never had someone have to dis-arm themselves before I sucked their dick prior to that
I think I'm emotionally ready to start being a slut again. I'm excited.
Turns out your granddad is cooler than you. We're taking him on our New year's eve pub crawl instead. Sorry.
All I know is I woke up in the back seat of my car, with the engine on, and my gps navigated to florida.
Randomize
