somebody snuck up and got me drunk
No stitches, just platelets and will power
im shaking like a drug addict and i almost just shat my pants when i sneezed...no more patron for me
You answered the door when the cops arrived with a beer in one hand and a pillowcase over your head yelling "GAGA, OOH LA LA!"
Would it be inappropriate to do lines in front of the cable guy?
Blew a line and having a jolly rancher... the day is looking up.
At this point I just want to meet a man with a job.
Please. That's just a patriotism boner. I watched Michael phelps win another medal and had to change my underwear.
I opened the door and his girlfriend was standing there; we made silent, prolonged eye contact as I quietly put on my panties and left.
I just text my one night stand Happy Easter on her way home...now would be a good time for the lord to smite me.
Well at least I will forever be known as the girl he ate out on the lifeguard stand while people walked by. On the first date.
IM HUNGOVER AT MOTHERS DAY BRUNCH AND A NUN FROM CHURCH JOINED US
It's not my fault you decided to fall in love with a Frodo Baggins lookalike
I was told today that I'm the ugliest bartender in the area, so, I guess I have that going for me.
Help I accidentally unlocked this guy's tragic backstory and I need a rewind button!
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