There's a fat drunk walrus bitch here next to me and shes already puked and now falling on herself
OH FUCK NOW HER BOYFRIEND IS MAKING OUT WITH HER VOMIT HOLE
Sounds like a good blink 182 concert...
i woke up to my roommate spraying cooking spray on my legs. fourth time this has happened. not cool.
Was just shown the photos from a professional photoshoot my aunt had for their dog...not drunk enough for this...
he said he doesnt sext because the government can tap that kind of shit too. no boobie pics for him.
sex on the roof is not as easy as it sounds
She woke up laying on my kitchen floor, ketchup bottle as her pillow, in front of my fridge.
we kept pushing you at the prospective students saying go for it, itll make them want to come here
you kept yelling THIS ONES FOR THE ADMISSIONS OFFICE and then youd go in for the kill
We're gonna have the chick that teaches kindergarteners to fold origami roll the joints.
Somewhere in the night I send my Dad a text stating "YOU failed as a parent"
I was scared I had HIV after last time so I'm not gonna do it again
But he was really hot
Glad you don't have HIV
Can I also remind you that we insisted on touching his mustache?
Well of course I remember it took up like 20 minutes of my night.
VAL. THIS MOTHERFUCKER IS LAYING IN MY BED WEARING A CAT SHIRT, VAL. COME SAVE ME, VAL.
Would you still love me if my nipple fell off?
I'll be perfectly honest; there are times other guys have consented to have sex with me because of my punctuation.
Is there a nice, calm way of telling your friend/housemate/former lover/person who does not reciprocate your feelings that your period is late?
Randomize