Note to Self: No matter how horny, turned on or in the moment you are, never go down on your gf after she had soccer practice.
I just remembered we were doing butt clenching exercising with bar straws last night
This just in: I met a girl who does the phone sex phone lines, and shes' 5'4" 320. I'll never get a hardon again through a phone.
I'm posted up in the bathroom at au bon pain, high as balls, experimenting with eyeshadow combinations and listening to 90s jlo. The girl in the stall next to me just plopped a big one and I laughed, hope I ruined her day
The novelty of Nekkid Straight Roommate has faded.
SURVIVAL MODE. WE CAN DO THIS. Celebratory survived-working-christmas-retail sex to follow
I sent him this really overly apologetic text asking him out. It was just sad. Not even 27 shots of whiskey can grow me a self-esteem.
I lowered my expectations when he started off saying "ah missionary, my specialty"
We were just getting out tux's at men's warehouse he pulled both of the fitting room girls. I dont think he should be getting married
Just broke my no shot rule again.. Made out with a stranger. That's 0 for 3 this month for the record
starting to feel like a fuck wizard with a magical sixth sense for people fucking.
If you could come do me into like a 12 hour coma that'd be great
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
Last night you broke a mirror, and then rolled around in the glass shards. Miraculously, there's not a scratch on you...
I swear I have some evil slut demon in me when I'm blacked out
Don't we all.
Randomize