my bed looks and feels like i need to buy plan b.
Nada. Shooting off confetti and wanted to see I'd u could see it from ur house.
Wow. Its not even 11am.
You had a towel around you and you called it your shot bib.
He professed his love for me while I danced on a picnic table with a bottle of Absolut. I said thank you and walked away.
He asked me not to hook up with anyone else because it would hurt his feelings.. while his arm was around his pregnant girlfriend.
I want to name my colorful bowl Batman. Why? I still have yet to figure it out. But I'm calling it Batman.
you look like you're about to get down on your knees and give america the business.
You asked me what the point was. Told me your were dying alone and then had me take you and Wendy's where you bought 3 meals and ate them in about 10 minutes saying you didn't care if you got fat...
i was sitting in the back of a squad car completely stoned watching airplanes take off
He started french braiding my hair while I was blowing him. The question is not why, but how.
I don't want to be Eskimo brothers with your dad
Mom told me you snuck booze into a concert in a cheez its box...I have never been prouder to be related to you
my ex finally blocked me on all social media and tbh I'm only pissed because his roomate just got a puppy
Do you think he’ll fall in love with me if I tell him I have a nickname for his penis
Got so drunk I broke my sink in half. Not. Lying.
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