wait a second... your telling me you want me to take you to the bank at 10 on a tuesday so you can buy a blow up pool and fill it with beer?
yes... and buy you lunch
Just saw a 300lb woman fall down. Shes screaming like a beached manatee. Her 120lb boyfriend is trying to push her up. It's like watching an infant try to bench
Sometimes I think I have so much sex with you to be sure you're actually straight.
Well on the plus side I have started adding benefiber to my bottle of wine
I've been back for one day and I've already given two bjs. Improvement from last year.
Nipple rings and loofahs DO NOT mix.
Now: to brush my teeth, put on my grandma slippers and earplugs, masturbate to 50 Shades and then PTFO
I literally cut myself out of my pants. What is my life.
I just saw someone dressed as a bear leave your house on a motorcycle. I guess you guys are having a good time.
Underoos and an IDGAF attitude: all you need to successfully win at life
(Underoos optional)
I'm pretty sure the guy on the dance floor with crutches just smacked me in the butt with one. Do you think he's flirting?
Well, I guess my plans of staying around the apartment and drinking my weight in boxed wine are ruined. I have a date tonight.
I am drunk and aggressive about the olympixs
It's spelled Olympics
I am the most hated person in hoboken. Ive been doing drunken cake boss impressions down the street for the past 20 mins.
I'm worried about us. We are almost 30 and we still drink jaeger bombs till we black out. Wait, no I'm not. I'm excited about us.
Randomize
