just got a rotting pancake and bacon in the mail from your address....
i woke up with toilet paper straight tucked up in my underwear wearing a pizza sauce mustach. I dont think i got laid last night.
Hmm. I hear gunshots, car horns blaring, hear drunk white people screaming, and see about fifty status updates pertaining to the hawks. I guess they won.
How did currency from Costa Rica make it's way into my wallet...?
Just drive me around campus, I will be able to smell their innocence.
Check Facebook. Random dude tagged us in photos from last night dancing at Denny's while eating a sampler platter. 1. How does he have our names, and 2. You said we ate at Tbell.
That girl that gave me a blowjob, I think I fired her last year.
he was holding the bottle like a running back yelling for security and the national guard as he was being tackled
Let's enter the circle of trust. Are we there yet? Ok. If I somehow hypothetically slept with Amandas ex husband...on a scale of one to ten...how bad is that?
This reunion sucks. All the confident hot girls from high school are still confident and hot, and none of the fat girls with low self esteem transformed into hot girls with low self esteem.
I'm so hungover that if we go to panera, I'll probably get a bread bowl to throw up in.
Might as well permanently tattoo lush somewhere on my body and show it to people when I decide to drink so they won't serve me.
Weird come down, just saw a woman on the train go to grab something and realised she had terrifying hands. They literally filled me with dread. I don't think I'm ok.
Actually, I take that back. You can only have it if I'm allowed to French braid the mullet.
Step 1: chug a red bull vodka with no ice Step 2: chase that with a shot of wild turkey Step 3: chase that with a shot of tequila
Step 4: your drunk
Randomize
