I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
She finally woke up and said, "Me- nothing, potato peeler- 1." And rolled back over.
do you guys have 30-35 shot glasses? because if not, i don't even see a point in me coming
Dont forget about the tuna sandwich behind your TV
A girl just told me she printed out my pictures and taped them on her wall. I have to stop sleeping with virgins.
did the fire alarm go off at the party last night I kind of remember a fire alarm noise
omg omg i ripped it out of the ceiling omg
He was making a joke about signing my name on this piece of paper. He has a whole bucket filled with names on pieces of paper. I think thats how he keeps count.
if you're the one who put those dollar bills in my bra last night, thank you because I just used that money to get myself a coffee
I banged a guy named Robbie last night and in the middle of sex he begged me to scream santos. I'm pretty sure I just screwed a dude with multiple personalities.
Pretty sure we ruined a bachelorettes life last night
Is that your mom climbing in your window dude
One sec I was having the time of my life, the next I was shitting water
she crawled a good forty meters just to whisper in my ear... "dildon't"
hey, cheif big dick, where the fuck are my panties.
My orgasm happened in two different decades
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