$4 taco and $400 parking ticket. i am not a cheap date.
Grilled cheese is the best thing. ever. better than boys, and alcohol, and sex, and chocolate, and money. But not really the last two.
I feel like I'm back in highscool trying to hide my erections at work
Clearly I made an impression.
Or at least your vagina did.
you left a note on your car that said " please dont tow, im to drunk to drive. safety first!"
He was trying to put his hand up my shirt but I remembered the coke was stashed in my bra so I moved his hand to my pants
And we should impose a 'friends don't let friends order 25 shots at last call' rule
Fire alarms went off at reception of gay wedding im at. We all had to evacuate until FD got here. Then...ill just text the photos.
there is a guy passed out on top of me and i don't know what to do. help if you're awake? was anyone anyone expecting someone? maybe he found the wrong room?
I almost bumped into a man wrapped only in a blanket at 10 am
I'm like five sips away from making a Craigslist post for true love and mustaches. My family is going to disown me tonight.
There arew tilmes ina man's life when christmaas. THerew are times in a man's lfie when drunk texts from a bathrom hyufgirto. So, you know, merry chriastmans.
I mean I'm sad it didn't work out but tbh he he can't unlick my booty hole or unbreak his headboard... He won't forget my name ever
When's the last time you had sex near some ducks?
My parents left me the house for the weekend...you know what that means?!
Harry Potter marathon and no pants.
Randomize
