Bar. Show boob. Just one. Free drinks. Instant friends
Guys only need one. Little known secret. You're welcome.
My mom seriously just told me my insurance company pays for rehab. In an email. I expect a real, not just us joking, intervention coming on. I'm not accepting a "lunch date" with that bitch.
I bought a fake diamond ring to wear, not only to bars to keep the creeps away, but so that I'll be judged less by the front desk girl at Planned Parenthood
It's like playing clue with my own life. I have to piece together what I did, where I was, how I did it, and who I did it to
How can you turn a kayak date down? I'M TALKING RIVER HEAD HERE.
proof that my night is going well: I can still open doors
Well, I've taken the art of car peeing to new heights
I think I'm going to add the date I dumped his sorry ass as a life event on FB.
I think that's justified.
You poured your drink on him and called him a "useless cocksucker" because he wouldn't give you a ride home... on his skateboard
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
Naked chocolate chip pancake making. I just spilled mix all over the place. My boobs are covered in flour. This is not going well.
Ok because I want to set a new world record for how fast I can drink away my Christmas money
After sex he just told me I'm definitely pregnant and it's a girl. Should I run?
Was the guy in the cowboy hat kinda hot or have I just not had sex in a really long time?
We're on our way. We couldn't find our clothes this morning, so we're driving your car half naked. You owe me a cigarette.
Randomize
