he believed the zit on my nose was a piercing...until he tried to bite it. needless to say he didnt ask for my number
I know its time to do laundry... i cant even find a dirty sock to wear because they all have jizz in them
I just saw fred flintstone in my fruity pebbles!
what drugs are you on?
none, cept for the pain medication i got prescribed by the doc: it said 2 pills every 3 hours, but I took 6 cuz i'll be away from home later
Goddamn it, are you fucking her sister?
did you know it's going to storm tonight?
You bitch. At least tell Laura she's a better kisser.
i was mowing the lawn and found the coffee pot in the bushes
beeferoni + vodka = puke stuck in braces.
If you would give me the chance we might have the two separate pieces of the greatest fuck puzzle ever.
There's always one sober annoying person at a party. I hate responsible people. I just wanted to show everyone my nipples. There cute. She didn't have to stop me
if you do the accent, i'll wear the eyepatch
Yo, I can't just ask my mom where she relocated my vibrator to, can I?
Would it be playing god to put spaghetti on my pizza?
We had sex six times. In a span of 8 hours. Confirmation I don't need to go to the gym.
All I wanted to do was come home from work and masturbate for national sex day... I sliced my the tip of finger giving myself a pedicure so I can’t even do that #singlelife
apparently ive been in a long term relationship for the past 1 1/2 years w/ out knowing
How was your weekend?
My girlfriend decided the best way to get my mind off of my dog dying was to break up with me via text
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