I knocked on some strangers door, you didn't have to give me a fake hotel room number
so then we both started to do the walk of shame and she didnt realize we had fucked in her apartment until some lady said hi to her in the elevator
you didnt stop her?
too entertaining
An alarm set every 45 minutes saying "FATTY" and one every afternoon saying "CASPER" every day until spring break is a foolproof plan to being bikini ready
I know it's pride week, but your asshole is just never supposed to taste like banana.
Remember that night I drank a bunch of vodka, pounded your Jameson because 'you were a pussy', punched you in the face and ran off as fast as my high heels could go? It was just my Russian and Irish sides fighting for genetic dominance
Can we please get through at least one night out when you DON'T threaten to have sex with one of my parents?!?!
Why don't you throw your vagina at it and see what happens?
ok. i'm ready for you to come back and test the structural integrity of this futon.
I just chugged whiskey at 7 AM because going to breakfasts at Brendas doesnt seem right if Im not real drunk. I feel like when Brenda takes my order she can tell Im drunk and will take care of me.
Letting Freddy Krueger eat me out = HAPPY HALLOWEEN TO ME!!!
Turns out he's not a Doctor Who fan, I mumbled Alons-y as I went down on him. He asked who Alan was. No more drunk sex for me!
You can get gift cards to the liquor store! This changes everything.
He lit a shoe on fire and tried putting it out by peeing on it
Oh man. I am high, watching The Office and getting pancakes. What a country.
Ah, Christ. I just saw a D lister I made out with once on a Rock Of Love rerun. Why are you asleep right now? Some weird shit is happening.
Randomize
