I'd like to come home and be able to sleep in a bed that's not filled with crumbs from you getting too high and passing out while eating. This is seriously getting ridiculous.
Hes the only one i know who can talk to a girl for an entire hour abuot the science in starwars and still get laid.
He said I could liberate his beef and all I could think about was how I don't eat veal for political reasons.
I was a battlefield of empty bottles and bodies. We though we won, but the booze had the last laugh.
Oh Julie took your pants off last night, I put your pajama bottoms on, and Rachel took your bra off. It takes a village.
lost her for two hours. she was banging a russian guy in her car in the parking lot. he told her she was majestic.
Listen you let me know what you're doing after drinking rum punch all morning
I'm on the porch day drinking and the neighbor is in his yard screaming about his amazing sandwiches, maybe we should move.
I tried to open a bottle of wine with toenail clippers last night. So this morning was obviously rough.
There is a Victoria's Secret pageant on right now with Taylor Swift singing in lingerie. I didn't know a penis could get this erect.
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
I have tasted many bathrooms
Why were you naked on your bathroom floor?
It was a "get entirely naked to take a shit" kind of blackout I think.
Some nights you do cocaine till 5:00 in the morning, and the next night you teach yourself how to crochet. It’s called balance.
I was so high last night that at one point I kept licking his neck saying he tasted like soap and truffles.
Randomize
