I have had sex with more partners than how old he is.
hey call me
can't. in the shower.
... and this is probably why your phone does not work half the time.
Help i just walked in on mom blowing dad
Michelle and I recorded her bunny humping it's little rubber black ball.
yea pretty sure we followed the trail of your spaghetti-o vomit to find the car
So he saw that playlist i made with his name as the title. i think he's creeped out that I have 106 songs that remind me of him
You pulled the fire alarm because you had to shit and there was someone in the bathroom. you said you needed privacy
I guess since this is supposed to be my year of the lesbian it's okay
Dude, you need to come clean your dates vomit off the ceiling. What in the hell were you guys doing?!
I already banned bobbing for apples. While drunk that's just drowning near fruit.
Gym?
Sweet baby Jebus, no. I'm Motley Crue hungover. This must be how it feels to rail a line of ants.
you were crying saying "if you love me you will find me a loaf of bread"
I'm just to the point my give a fucks is so far in the red that I'm going to have to take out a 30yr loan of fucks to repay it
Drunk me also decided it would be funny to change all the passwords on my computer last night. Now I can't log into anything.
I got drunk off three vodka cranberry’s and told him to “WWE raw dog me.” Fucking kill me.
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