I need a sticker that says "It's no use hitting on me - I'm the plus one" Seriously, how do they think I got in in the 1st place?
i wish that every time i slipped on a sheet of ice i had the ability to recover with a michael jackson move
We just found a knife wedged in between the cushions on the couch you guys fucked on...why is this?
I just had to MC for a middle school event with jizz on my dress. I'm going to hell.
Also, I threw up on the playground again. I've honestly had more fun there this past summer than I did in my entire childhood.
my mom went out and bought me new sheets and redecorated my room. its like she's more excited for me to get laid tomorrow for the first time in two months than I am.
And by go well you mean everyone's hammered right?
Yupp. And someone's bleeding
STDs are my biggest fear, besides whales. They're so fucking big.
If you don't ever hear from me again, just know that I loved you
Jesus Christ that's like a real possibility
He has great taste in girls. I feel closer to my Eskimo sisters than my real sister...
My girlfriend is talking to my ex-boyfriend at the bar right now. I REPEAT, GIRLFRIEND IS TALKING TO EX BOYFRIEND RIGHT NOW. GET ME THE FUCK OUT OF THIS PLAACE
MY BUTT IS BIG ENOUGH FOR AN ANACONDA AND HE DOESNT GET TO ENJOY IT TOUGH SHIT
I don't know how to say "Sorry I was banging your boyfriend before I knew about you but you're awesome and we should hang out." without just saying it.
You better have a raging boner when I get to your house and it better be worth missing work in the morning.
We have ur drink. Mom passed out in the bathroom. I'm goin to the other bathroom. Bs at the top of the stairs on way outside.
Randomize
