i can now get sex on a playground off my list of things to do in life.
Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
Just tried to put my sweatpants on backwards...the chances of passing my physics exam just went down about 100%.
hows that letter of apology to the waitress at waffle house coming?
If i evwr doyble fist jack daniels and smirnoff again, i hereby give you permission to take them both away grom me and give me and give me a glass of wat
sitting on my lesbian neighbors couch, sexting, & eating a burrito.. that single
help me choose which girl to send myself boning to my girlfriend to make her want to break up
which one looks the most like her?
Passed out in a rocking chair on her porch. Woke up to the tow truck taking away my car.
Nobody has seen her in 3 days. Should we call the cops or hope this is just another drunk Carmen San Diego game she's playing?
My mom just walked in and she was like "Who ate all of the cheese?" and all I could think of was you trying to become a human taco
Some guy just ordered at Cosmo and 2 screwdrivers in the sky club at 8:30 am. I'm starting to feel a lot better about my alcoholism
you missed 2am bagpipes and my roommate looking hot as fuck in a kilt
Just please try not to piss Danny off, I really can't afford to find a new drug dealer again
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
I don't think he likes that I'm always sending him pictures of me in my bra but he needs to get it together
Randomize