i just caught my roommate coming out of the bathroom half naked with a surge protector. he told me he didn't wanna talk about it.
I just encountered the most annoying guy on the planet. I wanted to slap his milkshake out of his fat-boy hands while he was talking to me at the same time as slurping his liquid fat.
I love milkshakes.
Not the point.
Found my phone laying in a snow angel outside my apt this morning.
My ex came to my place while I was gone. Random things he took: snow shoes, my laundry quarters, a decorative picture, all my condiments, the container that held my rice and a sticker off my wallet. Then left a note saying he watered my plants and fed my cats. What. The. Fuck.
he walkred up to the manager at dennys and said 'look, my friends passed out in your bathroom, can i go get her?'
The last thing I remember was doing a line in the shape of Texas
She said she'd heard about my nickname in high school. Apparently sledgehammer isn't as popular as you'd believe...
A man and his most likely hooker just bought us Taco Bell.
She just rubbed her face up and down my six pack cooing. Equal measure of weird and hot.
I had to rename my dildo. I met a little kid who named his teddy bear the same name. It just felt wrong.
SOS... STANDING IN THE BAR NEXT TO MY BF AND THE GUY WHO I HOOKED UP WITH ON CHRISTMAS DAY..
You spent an hour sitting naked in your neighbor's Jeep Wrangler yelling in a terrible British accent about how you were "on a safari". Then you passed out on your lawn.
i gave head in a cab last night. get on my level.
Still drunk, heading to class.
It's 3 a.m. Dude
Doesn't mean I'm not at my desk. Ill wait.
I made you bacon and gave you a blow job. I'd say you had a pretty great day.
Randomize
