my roomate judo was messing around with a girl who recently had a kid, when he was sucking her tits milk came out lmao
i just heard someone have an orgasm and then throw up through the vent in my room.
finally stumbled home. 4am. made it to the bathroom and threw up. the cat came in,s aw me, looked at the vom in disgust, and then threw up too. its nice to have such sympathetic pets.
i said good morning to each one of his abs personally
he kept telling me that god made these magical balloons called condoms
And I'm PMSing. So if I'm not crying, I'm masturbating.
My shirt is ruined. If I ever get the idea of doing a tequila shot through my nose ever again, shoot me.
I think I just accidentally agreed to become a surrogate for a gay couple
I just found my "random bang list for summer of 2012" that I wrote last night.. It's written on a Plan B receipt. If this isn't irony I don't know what is.
I was a battlefield of empty bottles and bodies. We though we won, but the booze had the last laugh.
I'm closer to stabbing a fork in my neck than finishing this resume.
I fell asleep on the floor again. i dont want help, just a pillow. its kind of nice down here.
So, I'm a little drunk in Seattle with Glenna, but we've all agreed that it's patriotic to think about Bill Clinton from time to time during sex. 'Merica
I have not brushed my hair. I'm wearing a yoga hoodie. I look like I slept in a gutter somewhere. Today is going to be a good day.
So I told him "To answer your question yes I am naked making pizza pops in your kitchen"
Randomize
