He finally told me that he's married. I guess it doesn't really matter.
We walk out of his house and his dad is there, so I had to meet him and shake his hand pretending that same hand hadn't been down his son's pants five minutes earlier
Good seeing you too. Don't worry, you didn't miss out on too much last night. We went to a place where there was supposed to be a wet t-shirt contest, but it was more like two ugly girls dancing around on stage in white shirts. Everyone just wanted them to leave so the band could keep playing
so this guy on craigslist is offering a case of beer to shave his back. i think i'm gonna take him up on it.
So we sucessfully lit our bathtub on fire. Thought you should know.
I had to write an apology letter to security guards in the hotel so I didnt get kicked out
I will never in my life forget you letting the cat lick your tongue
I'm going to call you, don't answer. Need to practice moaning to your answering machine again
No, it's cool, I just bounced from the hospital. I was...talking to a security guard, maybe?
I just sent a snapchat of my boobs for Adderall. It's finals season.
I told her my blood type was O Positive and we started making out. Bio majors are weird.
Which one of you drunk assholes put a parental lock on my cable box last night? More importantly, what's the pin? I'm missing the UK game.
You are the best. Or certainly adequate for tempering my unholy desires.
That's the nicest thing you've ever said to me.
I can't open my mouth wide enough to make full use of this snapchate update
i found a picture from last night of you sat on the floor naked, covered in butter and crying. care to explain?
I was hoping you could tell me..
Randomize
