Just found a copy of intimate toy times in my mom's trash can...
I have no memory of puking on someone. Was he cute?
Sry I left before you woke up. The house was really fucked up and I didn't feel like helping you clean. PS Somebody threw up on your dog
There's a level of bonding between people at the liquor store at 10:30 in the morning that's unrivaled
shes trying to book us all flights to Ireland..I let her get mine and yours but stopped her when she tried booking the guy next to her at the library
What color are my eyes?
Ummmm... 34 C?
He looked at my vag and said "you have a nice situation down there. Good work"
WHAT KIND OF DUMPSTER DOESNT HAVE PIZZA IN IT?
I told her that I was going up to my room to lay in front of a fan without pants on, watching Avengers and she still wanted to get with me. I have to marry her.
I wonder what chicks would think if they learned that when we add them on fb we email their bikini pics to each other.
You would think the bank would reward me for getting my account down to 3 cents without overdrafting it.
I wish drunk me wasn't so into manscaping. Or at least good at it. Either or really
The sex is great, I just think it'd be better if we listened to Deftones during it.
He's gonna turn my vagina into the Sahara desert
I know you think you’re ready to graduate but just keep these things in mind: taxes, I get up at 5 AM every morning, I have to buy vegetables when I go grocery shopping, and I can’t wear sweat pants to work. Take that victory lap and enjoy the sweat pants and bar hopping because it goes downhill real quick.
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