I'm watching a show called "I didn't know I was pregnant" on TLC...Apparently this happens enough that there is a series
I just found a pubic hair on my dick that wasn't mine.
Just checked my phone. Sometime last night I googled sex positions in a tent. Was there even a tent there?
I'm still not completely convinced I'm not pregnant. I just dipped beef jerky in cream cheese frosting.
There is is 40 year old penis staring me in the face right now if there was ever a time to be a good friend its right now.
Date idea: we should go to the store and buy all the different kinds of Lay's and eat them all
YOU DRINK NOW BECAUSE YOU ARE A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN WHO DOESN'T NEED A DRINKING PARTNER
Technically, I traded a soft pretzel for sex last night...
Needless to say, I woke up on the bathroom floor wearing the dress that my mom wore to the wedding. That open bar stole my soul.
I needed to bring way more fireball to class to match this professors intensity
We need to step in, this can't continue. The guy she went home with last night looked exactly like Count Olaf, right down to the unibrow.
Which version tho, Jim Carrey or Neil Patrick Harris?
THAT DOESN'T FUCKING MATTER, YOU DON'T FUCK COUNT OLAF!!!
Apparently when cookies are around I think of myself as a puppy and reward myself for everything #WhoIsAGoodBoy
I'm driving to work hungover. I feel like I got hit by a train and then drank that train too.
Just let me put on a bra and brush the alcohol out of my hair.
I'm drunkenly throwing popcorn at a spider, fuck him. Why does his scary 8 legs get to be happy?
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